Letters to Remus
by Trinity Clarewater
Summary: Sirius is stuck at Grimmauld Place all year, and he has secrets to tell. This is a series of letters to Remus Lupin, never sent, which were discovered after Sirius' death. In it: stories about James, Lily, Mr. and Mrs. Black, Snape, Harry, and Azkaban. He
1. Prologue

Weasley, Granger Agree to Release Black Journal to Public  
  
Louise Fussbudget Ministry Correspondent & Legal Advisor to the Prophet 3 September 1999  
  
Mr. Ronald Weasley and Ms. Hermione Granger have decided to release excerpts from the journal of Sirius Black to the public. The journal is in the form of letters to friend and Hogwarts classmate Remus Lupin. It was held in stasis at 12 Grimmauld Place and subsequently at the Ministry in London until all pertaining Fidelius Charms were nullified. It was presented to Mr. Lupin in November 1996 as part of the allotment of the inheritance of Mr. Black. At the time of the allotment Mr. Lupin was aware of the journal's stasis state and unable to read the journal. Mr. Lupin admits to lending the journal to both Mr. Weasley and Harry Potter during the 1997-98 school term. Both students appeared to bypass the stasis spells by virtue of proximity to the pertaining Charms and by right of blood relation to Mr. Black. Mr. Potter could not be reached by press time. The journal was also used with the permission of Mr. Lupin as evidence in the 1998-99 hearings, in which Ronald Weasley asserted his right to the aforementioned inheritance of Mr. Black, being both the next of kin and one of only three living male relatives of Mr. Black with relation close enough to claim inheritance. Mr. Weasley credits Mr. Lupin with giving him sufficient evidence to prove his cases before both the Department of Names and the Wizengamot. Among other things, the journal gives biased but believable evidence that Mr. Black was in fact imprisoned in Azkaban unjustly and without trial, and furthermore was innocent of the murder for which he is so infamous. The Wizengamot, upon hearing the evidence presented in the journal and by witnesses including Mr. Weasley, Hermione Granger, Mr. Lupin, Arthur and Molly Weasley, Virginia Weasley, Nymphadora Tonks, Andromeda Black, Albus Dumbledore, and Severus Snape, voted unanimously to posthumously acquit Mr. Black of one count of murder in the first degree, four counts of treason in the first degree, twelve counts of murder in the second degree, two counts of murder in the third degree, one count of use of Unforgivable Curses, two counts of intention to murder, seventeen counts of aiding and abetting, one count of destruction of property, two counts of evading law enforcement, and twenty-three counts of failure to subdue a werewolf. Mr. Black remains convicted of two counts of attempted murder, two counts of assault and battery, two counts of aiding and abetting, one count of evading law enforcement, one count of breaking and entering, and one count of failure to register an Animagus form. The Wizengamot in conjunction with the Department of Names furthermore awarded Mr. Weasley the property of 12 Grimmauld Place, London; the property most commonly known as Malfoy Manor, Kent; the estates of Mr. Black, Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, and Rodolphus Lestrange; and compensation of an undisclosed amount for Mr. Black's unjust imprisonment as well as a settlement between Mr. Weasley and the Department of Names. The entire journal consists of fifty-seven letters, all addressed to Mr. Lupin. Of these letters, portions of fifteen letters will be released. The titles of these letters have not yet been provided. While the journal contains objectionable material, the Prophet has been assured that all excerpts will be suitable for publishing. The letters will run every week in the Daily Prophet from 4 September through 11 December. 


	2. Chapter 1

Editor's Note: This is the first set of letters given to the Daily Prophet for publication. These letters ran on 4, 11, 18, and 25 September, respectively. Some letters have been edited for content by the Prophet. All edits should be clearly recognizable. Please be reminded that the opinions expressed in these letters are the personal opinions of Sirius Black and should not be accepted as fact. Thank you.  
  
Dear Remus,  
  
It feels strange to be writing you this knowing that you might never see it, but I have a feeling you might see it sooner than you want to. I'm going to say this right here on the first page: If anything happens to me, this belongs to you, Moony. And if somebody else found this first, they had better stop right now, because this is for Remus, not you. There, now that that's taken care of, we can move on to the really important things. These letters are for one thing only: To tell you everything about what happened between fifth year and, well, that Halloween. I know we left you out of things for a while and I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for that. But now I'm going to tell you everything.  
  
Sirius Black  
  
About My Mother  
  
First, I want you to know that the old (wretch) up at Grimmauld Place isn't my mother. James' mother, Abigail, is. And I don't mean 'like a mother'. She was my real mother. From what I know she married my father by arrangement (of course) and was (rightfully) miserable about it. After I was born I was whipped off to the nurses and she came down with that nasty depression women get when their kids get taken away. So she started doing some pretty bad (things), the way I did after we graduated. She left my dad and went to St. Mungo's for help. And who did she meet there but the dashing Mr. Potter. Divorce, remarriage, Jamie-poo. Lucky for me I failed out of that hellhole Durmstrang and landed in your year at Hogwarts.  
  
About Running Away  
  
In case you didn't tell, I'm dealing with the easy things first. Do you remember when I ran away? James' mother – who, if you recall, is really my mum too – was more than happy to take me in. Of course, dear old mum and dad wanted me back. They took James' parents to court. It's a nasty place. Abigail played all the good cards; loving home, stable family, good income, James...you know. But dad's money won them over, of course. He even tried to pay her to not tell me that she was my mother. But she held trump and she played it. As soon as she told the court she was my 'birth mother' they handed me over. Reg was delighted, to say the least. After all, it's not every day you get your brother's inheritance handed to you on a silver platter. Hell, Kreacher probably got out a silver platter just for the occasion. But that, in short, is how I ended up living with James.  
  
About James  
  
I never liked him. Well, all right, I did. He was one of the few people in the whole damn school with a sense of humor. And he had a great head for jokes and the like. And he was too smart and too popular for his own good. But at home over the summer, I think I got to know him too well. First of all, he was spoiled rotten. His mum called him Jamie. He whinged quite a lot, he called names, and he acted like a big baby. He gossiped too, but I didn't want to be a hypo-whatsit. What is that word? Oh well. The thing about James was that he was all of those things, but then he would suddenly transfigure into The Quidditch God any time a girl was about. Pure only child. But once I got there he started acting like the poor, deprived younger brother. Suddenly I had the looks, the bike, everything. Except her. 


	3. Chapter 2

Editor's Note: Welcome to the Letters from Remus special series. This is the second set of letters given to the Daily Prophet for publication. These letters ran on 2, 9, and 16 October. Some letters have been edited for content by the Prophet. All edits should be clearly recognizable. Please be reminded that the opinions expressed in these letters are the personal opinions of Sirius Black and should not be accepted as fact. Thank you.  
  
About Snape  
  
To this day I don't think I'm sorry for what I did to the poor bastard. I'm sorry I got you involved, Moony, but not for him. He deserved every bit of it, and more. If you had been there at the beginning...I will never forgive him for what he did. Never, ever. And if that sounds childish that's because it is, and I don't regret it. Here's what happened: He cornered Lily after dinner one night and asked her where we (Peter, James, and I) were off to that night. When she didn't tell him, he hit her. By the time I got there she was half-dressed, kicking and screaming at him, and he kept hitting her and ripping at her clothes. God, I could have killed him right then and there. As it was, I only half-killed him. But I told him then: If you really want to know, meet me at the Whomping Willow tonight. And if you touch Lily ever again, I will kill you.  
  
About Lily  
  
This is where it gets interesting, Remus. Because I'm not as jealous as James was. I only ever wanted one thing of his. That is, if she ever really was his. Just in case you never noticed, I was madly in love with Lily, and still am. And make no mistake: this is not 'I want you because you're his'. This is 'I would die for you, no questions asked, even though you're not mine'. I think that scared her a bit. But she knew it was true, which was why she wanted me in the Fidelius Charm. And for one other reason, but that comes later.  
  
About Fidelius Charms  
  
They're all about loyalty. It says so right in the name. And with Lily & James and their family, I'm as loyal as they come. Lily knew I would die before I gave her up to them. James knew I wasn't a rat. That was Peter's job. (Come to think of it, why didn't we figure that out earlier? Shouldn't the concept of having a rat for an inner animal be a bit of a clue?) Besides, James and I were brothers. And I think he might have noticed my habit of staring at his wife like the world was ending. But at the time I was half-crazy for various reasons, most of which I promise I will explain. I didn't know if I could trust myself. I didn't know if I could be held responsible for something so precious. So against everyone's better instincts, I made them switch. Dumbledore would have approved. It goes to show...well, that's not very fair. Hindsight is clear. And in hindsight, it was 110% MY FAULT. 


	4. Chapter 3

Editor's Note: Welcome to the Letters from Remus special series. This is the third set of letters given to the Daily Prophet for publication. These letters ran on 23 October, 30 October, and 6 November. Some letters have been edited for content by the Prophet. Please be reminded that the opinions expressed in these letters are the personal opinions of Sirius Black and should not be accepted as fact. Thank you.  
  
Back to Lily  
  
So, you might ask, when did I fall in love with my best friend's girl? That's easy: right away. I don't remember a time when I knew her and didn't love her. Well, now I don't. It must have happened sometime in fifth year, right after she found out about you, Moony. But that's not the point. I was completely in love by the time she and James became a couple, but I tried not to let anyone notice. I swear, I tried so hard it hurt. But then dear old James started standing her up. Little things, like study sessions in the library. Informal dates in Hogsmeade. Things like that. When it happened, she would crying back to the common room and demand attention. What was I supposed to do? Things started so slowly I hardly noticed they were happening. I swear I never once pushed her. But soon enough we'd crossed the line from friendly into 'lock the door James is gone'. I had never been happier in my whole life. We were excruciatingly careful. (Lighter note: Aren't you proud of my vocabulary?) I don't think James ever really found out. At least, not that I know of. Here's the best part: At the end of seventh year, she told me she loved me. I have never fully recovered. It was, without a doubt, the best moment of my entire life.  
  
About Marriage  
  
It's overrated. Honestly. And another thing: Lily never did learn to say no. Maybe James really did love her. Maybe it was the fairy-tale ending every girl wants. Maybe it was just convenience, seeing as they already worked together. No matter the real reason, I still had to stand up there and watch the love of my life marry another man. It was horribly cliché, and it still hurts. To know for certain in that one instant that all of your chances with her are lost for good, that she doesn't really love you, and that you were never good enough for her. It hurt. And it still hurts, fifteen years later. But I didn't know what was coming next.  
  
About Australia  
  
It's a lovely, lovely place on the other side of the world. James, if you recall, spent almost a year there doing research in an area so remote you can't Apparate in or out of it. A bit like Hogwarts, actually. But back to the story. Lily, being young and newly wed, not to mention on You-Know- Who's hit list (I'll say the name, but I won't write it), was afraid to live alone for so long. And being newly liberated from home, she didn't exactly want to move back in with her mother and old Rotten Petunia. So James asked me to stay with her in Godric's Hollow. In a bedroom at the other end of the house. Once again, I swear I didn't do anything. At least, not on purpose. But there we were, in a house all by ourselves. Again I say, what was I supposed to do? There was just one problem: James, unfortunately, did come home eventually. And Lily had forgotten a certain charm one night when we were celebrating my birthday early. The rest, as they say, was history. 


	5. Chapter 4

Editor's Note: Welcome to the Letters from Remus special series. This is the fourth set of letters given to the Daily Prophet for publication. This letter ran on 13 November. Please be reminded that the opinions expressed in these letters are the personal opinions of Sirius Black and should not be accepted as fact.  
  
While this letter is an opinion, the vision described in this letter is known as a perfect-recall vision. If the letter is correct and the author (in this case, Mr. Black) is not lying, the following account can be viewed as a correct description of the events of 31 October 1981. The Prophet has been assured that the facts presented in this description are all accurate, and so we present the only known written firsthand account of the events of Halloween 1981.  
  
Editor's Warning: Some of the images presented in this account may be disturbing to children or other emotionally unstable persons. The Prophet has decided to print this letter for its immense informational value. It may also provide closure to any who did not understand the way the night played out. You have been warned.  
  
About Seeing  
  
With a capital S. I'm not supposed to be able to do it. I'm actually supposed to be dead right now, according to the Official Black Family Curse, but no matter. I got it from my mother. She has it, it hit me, skipped James and hit Harry. Watch out for that because I think Lily had it too. Which was one of the reasons I was so crazy, before Halloween. She was having visions of me 'killing' Peter, and I was having visions of her dying. Which is another reason why we switched from me to Peter. But in Azkaban, visions come too easily. You're half-mad to begin with. So I was having perfect-recall dreams. The kind where you relive a memory so vividly that you notice things you didn't see the first time. Here's mine:  
  
I pull up to Godric's Hollow, right at their house. The place is a complete wreck, collapsed and in ruins. The charm is broken, obviously. I scramble through the wreckage, trying to find someone alive. I see James on the floor next to the front door. He's been AK'ed. I go to the corner of the house where the nursery would have been if the second floor was there. Harry's crib landed on its side, but he didn't get hurt because Lily is draped over the crib, dead. (God, I thought I could say that without crying. It's lucky nobody's here to see me.) Anyway, I pick her up and move her away from the crib. Harry is in there, crying his little eyes out. His forehead is bleeding a little, so I can't exactly see the shape of the gash. I pick him up and try to quiet him down, but it doesn't work. I guess I was still in shock. Dumbledore appears. Something tells me to hide, which may or may not have been a good idea, because Albus looks angry. He looks through the wreck much the same as I did, and finds Harry. Some Muggles start showing up so he leaves Harry where he is and Disapparates. Something is moving over towards Harry and Lily, low to the ground. As I get closer, it's a little boy with red hair. My still-shocked brain recognizes him as the older son. My son. He survived! All of a sudden Hagrid appears. He finds Harry quickly and sees the other boy (What was his name?). I chase after him and ask to take the boys with me. He doesn't let me: Dumbledore gave him orders. I make him take my bike because part of me knew I wouldn't need it any more. Then he leaves. More Muggles show up, neighbors and a few police. At this point my body gives in to shock and I sit down and start bawling my eyes out. My brain needs something to hold on to, and of course it finds Peter. By which I can pinpoint the exact moment I went mad. The dream ends there because I can already remember what happens next, and so can you, from the amount you've heard it. That's all there is to say on that matter. 


	6. Chapter 5

Editor's Note: Welcome to the Letters from Remus special series. This is the fifth set of letters given to the Daily Prophet for publication. These letters ran on 20 November, 27 November, and 4 December. Some letters have been edited for content by the Prophet. All edits should be clearly recognizable. Please be reminded that the opinions expressed in these letters are the personal opinions of Sirius Black and should not be accepted as fact. Thank you.  
  
About My Son  
  
God, I love seeing that on paper. My son. If not for the fact that I saw the results of the testing charm with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it. She said once that he had my eyes. Do you remember him, Moony? Bright red hair, just like her, and one of the pureblood noses, the big one that gets all the jokes about men with big noses, and those brown eyes that she says are mine. I almost can't believe it. Here's what I do believe: He's still alive. I don't care if nobody else does. I don't care if it breaks every Fidelius Charm in existence. I've seen him, in dreams. It was one of the things I would dream about in Azkaban. Him and Harry. And Wormtail. Thirteen years is a long time to punish yourself, Moony. A very long time.  
  
About Azkaban  
  
There are not enough adjectives in the English language to describe that place. They suck everything out of you, so that you're not even human any more. The easiest way to fight it is to not be human. I spent more time as Padfoot than was really healthy for me. I almost lost my human side a few times. But when I couldn't be Padfoot any more, I needed something to hold on to. I was lucky: I had more than one. Most people in there only had one happy thought, and then they find it and take it away. Here's what mine were: I am innocent. This was Peter's fault, NOT MINE. I am not that kind of heartless (person). Harry is alive, and Voldemort is defeated. This is a good thing. I have a son. He is beautiful, and he is alive. And he has my eyes.  
  
Those three things occupied my thoughts for twelve years. It's very hard to let them go. And I think you saw my memory of Godric's Hollow already or you wouldn't believe me, but that third one is true. My son is alive. And even if all of my instincts are wrong and he isn't, I still have Harry.  
  
About Harry  
  
I love him like a son. He's the spitting image of what James would have been if he wasn't so spoiled. I love him for it. He's going to need help, Remus. If I'm not there, you need to be. He's got nowhere else to turn, not once Dumbledore finally tells him about the prophecy. And keep an eye on Hermione too. If she's anything like Lily, she's in for a world of trouble. I'm getting the feeling that I'm not meant to be here much longer, so I hope you take care of all of them. And take care of yourself, Moony. I know what happens when no one is there to nag you about eating. Oh, and tell Molly Weasley thanks for the socks. 


	7. Chapter 6

Editor's Note: Welcome to the Letters from Remus special series. This is the final letter given to the Daily Prophet for publication. This letter ran on 11 December. Please be reminded that the opinions expressed in these letters are the personal opinions of Sirius Black and should not be accepted as fact. Thank you.  
  
Dear Remus,  
  
Now I know that I'm leaving soon. I hope I'm not leaving you with too much responsibility, but you're the only one I've got left. If and when I go, the house is yours until Harry is old enough. Unless you do one last thing for me, old friend. Find my son. Find my son with the red hair, big nose, and brown eyes she says are mine. He'll be seventeen soon, I think. There has to be a Fidelius Charm on him because I can't remember his name. You probably think he's dead. Well, he's not. The charm didn't get me way out in Azkaban. He's alive, Remus. Find him for me. Give him this journal, or whatever you want to call it. Tell Harry about him. Maybe they'll be friends. And if you're sitting down to dinner in ten years with my grandkids, don't say I didn't tell you so!  
  
All the best, Sirius  
  
Weasley Gives Interview on Journal Release  
  
Editor's Note: Ron Weasley, the renowned hero of the Hogwarts War, recently gave an interview with Quibbler reporter Luna Lovegood about the release of his father's journal. The Daily Prophet asked for and received permission to reprint the interview following the publication of excerpts from the journal in the Prophet.  
  
Luna Lovegood: Good morning, Mr. Weasley. You're looking well today.  
Ron Weasley: Good morning, Luna. I would say the same for you, but I  
can't exactly see how you look. Instead I'll say, hello, and you're  
sounding quite well yourself.  
LL: Always making fun, you are. But this is a rather serious interview.  
About a serious topic.  
RW: Luna, please, no puns. It's unbearable.  
LL: If you insist. Last September you and Miss Hermione Granger agreed to  
release parts of your father's journal to the public. What was the  
reasoning behind your decision?  
RW: We thought the public had a right to know the man behind all of their  
rumors. Everytime I hear the name Sirius Black it has been linked with  
either 'murderer' or 'martyr'. I don't think he liked either of those  
words, so I wanted to change them. And Hermione says she loves him even  
more now that she has read the letters. She thinks it will be a very eye-  
opening look at a man whose life has been hidden in darkness.  
LL: And I shall refrain from the Sirius puns if you stop talking about  
eyes and darkness. It's rather unnerving.  
RW: It's a deal.  
LL: We've heard that you have plans to publish the journal as a book.  
RW: That's true. The original plan was to make copies of the journal as  
precisely as possible in order to preserve the feel of the journal. This  
plan collapsed after one of the editors complained that the handwriting  
was completely illegible. I only saw the journal once, but I do remember  
the handwriting being a problem.  
LL: What are you doing about that problem?  
RW: Hermione says I should copy the diaries onto parchment again, and  
that it would be a great improvement on his handwriting. (laughs) That  
tells you how messy it is. Really, we're going to print them in a form  
much like a magazine, with pictures of Sirius and his friends.  
LL: And maybe some of you and your friends?  
RW: You mean Hermione and Harry? I don't know. It hasn't come up yet. It  
might not be appropriate. We are going to put in comments from others in  
the book. Letters back to Sirius, obviously ones that never really were  
sent, from Remus and Hermione and Minerva McGonagall. And me.  
LL: You mentioned Harry. Any word from Mr. Potter?  
RW: No, and you know that, Luna. Next question, please.  
LL: Will any of his writings be in the journal?  
RW: (sighs) You won't give up, will you? All right. We may put in a few  
of his earlier letters to Sirius from a few years ago, but since he  
probably doesn't know about this publication, we don't have anything new  
to put in it.  
LL: Then you don't believe he is living with wizards?  
RW: I don't know.  
LL: All right, I can tell you want to stay away from that topic. How is  
your daughter Liliana doing?  
RW: Now there's something I can talk about until the sky falls down. Lili  
is amazing. She's ten months old, and I just love her to pieces. You've  
probably seen the pictures. After all, they were in your paper.  
LL: That's right. Now we're getting to a touchier topic. Does it ever  
bother you that you don't know what Liliana looks like?  
RW: I know exactly what she looks like. I've had so many descriptions of  
her I could recite them. And I probably shouldn't tell you this on the  
record, but I've seen her in dreams. Some sort of angel is sending me  
dreams where I see her with Hermione. And contrary to popular belief, I  
can see just fine in my dreams. All I'm looking at in real life is the  
backs of my eyelids. So I've seen her, and she is beautiful. My mother –  
Molly Weasley, that is – is absolutely over the moon with happiness.  
Lili's her first grandchild, after all. Who wouldn't be happy?  
LL: Rumor has is that Lili's great-grandmother came out of the woodwork  
to meet Liliana. Is this true?  
RW: It is, actually. My grandmother Abigail had decided to stay out of  
our lives, but when Lili was born she couldn't resist, and I don't blame  
her for it either. She has been a blessing to everyone, and a special  
help to me. She is a link to a past I can hardly believe is true.  
LL: That past is a very interesting story. Care to share any of it?  
RW: That, Miss Lovegood, would be a rather long story to put in an  
interview. And besides, they've all heard it before.  
LL: Well then we should wrap it up. Thank you again for coming, Ron.  
RW: Thank you, Luna.  
LL: And watch your head on the way out. The doorframe is a bit too short  
for you.  
RW: I'll keep that in mind. 


End file.
